Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network... I own nothing! (Hey, do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: "Angel"/"Buffy" -- of course!!! ... fish boy
Spoilers: Everything and nothing - makes sense?
Rating: R - bad words, blood and description of distortion
Thanks to: Samantha Melissa Gold
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: If you like Riley - DONīT READ THIS!!!And DONīT FLAME ME!!! Just crawl back under the stone you came from.

Riley Finn stood and looked down at himself in awe.

He was dressed in a tiger string and nothing else (*OMG, even thinking about that makes me want to vomit*) Nothing else...

'And everything is for Buffy' he thought. 'Iīm so sexy, I am so hot, I need a firearms licence for my strong body!'

He stood in the Summers' house and waited in excitement for Buffy to return from shopping. He had originally come to talk with her about cows and how much he loved his hair because she had told him that she would stay in her motherīs house for the weekend, so as not to disturb Willow who prepared herself for the taking up ritual for this witch circle she wanted to join in - and Buffy didnīt want to get in her way again, after what had happened with Spike after Willows last try to prove herself a witch.

'Buffyīs mother told me that she would come back very late in the night and that I could wait here for Buffyīs return, so here I am!' Riley smirked, his mouth distorted into an ugly grimace. 'Uh, how long I have planed this event and now that it is finally going to happen!'

He started to dance around the house in his "outfit," looking at his "Goofy" watch every minute not to let pass by the right moment for his "action improvement plan" to start.'Oh, Iīm so sweet, man ... am I sweet or what?' He looked around the living room and found a tape lying on the TV. 'Austin Powers, hmm ... Yeah! I am Austin Powers!' Riley started to do a "Garfield" dance he had learned from the comic series. 'Whoa! Iīm irresistible!!!'

He started to sing. "Mr. Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic..." (*singing with that voice? - shudder!*) He walked through the house and finally found himself in Mrs. Summers bedroom and looked in the large mirror.

'Hey, Mr. Universe!' He spoke to himself. '"Woah! ... She is *so* going to take me the second she sees me!!! - Right there on the kitchen table, after she put the milk she bought in the fridge."

He started some mad posing actions, moving like an ape mixed up with a sloth in front of the mirror. Suddenly the string in his wrinkled butt tore and he felt slightly embarrassed looking at himself.

'Mommy wouldnīt want to see me like this, I think.' And he got teary eyed.'Momy, your little boy is on the way of doing something really nasty ... '

"But still I want to do this!" He smiled his ape smile and drummed on his chest like Tarzan. "Ugh! I Tarzan, you Buffy, we do bang bang!"He shouted through the whole house.

Because of his actions his thong said goodbye and landed on the floor.After suddenly realizing this, he blushed red. 'Oh, these are impure thoughts ...'

He looked down on the floor, fighting an inner battle if his mother would have liked it to see her baby boy like this, but decided to go on with his "brilliant" plan.

He tied the teared up ends of his thong and wanted to put it back on when he realized that his spongy hands had worked the wrong way.

'Shit! - oops, sorry - What can I do now? Well, Iīll have to put it back on like this.'

Finally he looked back into the mirror to see his "victory over the elements" as he named it. He had managed to wear the tiger thong ... letīs say "twisted" ...

'Looks even sexier this way!' He thought. "I love me! I love me! Iīm the best, no, I *am* the best!" He said to himself. 'I think that itīs time now to get back downstairs. ... Time to get myself into mood! ... Iīm going to do that "Ally McBeal" thing that I saw the other day on tv when I visited my 11 brothers in their new altered stable.'

He choose "Clubbed to Death" as his hymn and started to try to walk like "Morpheus" in "Matrix".'Whoo, this makes me feel sooo cool!I donīt need black clothes, Iīm much cooler like this - and far sexier!'

So he walked back down the stairs, bobbing his head up and down to the imagined rhythm, walking funnily because the nodes in his butt felt slightly uncomfortable. Finally he arrived in the kitchen where he had left behind his clobber, orderly folded, of course.

He searched through his trouser-pockets and finally found what he had been looking for ... a blue pill. Yes, guess what it was? Viagra.

'Willow told me about her ex and how he was a vampire... So he must have had vampire stamina ... I *know* that Iīm the *best*, but for Buffy ...'

He decided to have a drink with the pill. He looked around and searched for a glass. When he couldnīt find one, he started to roam through the cupboards. Not to lose the pill, because it had been very expensive through the ways he got it, he laid it next to the sink.

After he had found a glass - he choose the one with sweet little red roses on.

'They remind me of Buffy.'

He wanted to take the Viagra, but he couldnīt get a grip on it, because of his sweaty hands, so it slipped through his fingers and into the garbage disposal. "Shit!"

He bent over the sink and looked down into the dark hole. 'I must get that out! ... And into my mouth! ... Buffy is going to return in minutes!"

He decided to do a little research with his hand down there in the darkness of garbage. He couldnīt reach in there the right way so he climbed up on the sink and kneeled down. He reached out with his left hand and supported his body with his right hand on the wall. Suddenly his hand came across a resistance and he roamed with his revolting fingers through the slimy mass.

'Somewhere there lies the heaven with Buffy.'

One second later he heard a click and cried out in pain. He accidentally had switched on the garbage chopper which was now cutting his fingers.

"Aaaaaah!!! ... Shit!!!"

He pulled his hand out as fast as he could. A lot of blood flowed out of the rest of his hand. He cried out in pain and searched for something to stop the bleeding, so he ripped apart his string tanga and pressed it on the wound.

'God! ... What am I going to do now? I need a doctor! ...'

Suddenly the pain filled expression changed into a triumphant one. 'Hey, there is this pill!' It stuck on his stump. He put it in his mouth and tried to swallow it, but it was far to big to do this without water.

'Shit! ... I can't breath! ...' It stuck firm in his throat and he started to pant ... so he kneeled there naked over the sink, facing the window. He had his head bent down and held his bleeding hand down into the sink not to soil the kitchen - and he was panting like mad. What an impression!

Suddenly he heard somebody clear his throat and looked up from his embarrassing situation.

"Hey boy, you couldn't hold back until home? ... Who is this, Buffy?"

Buffy carried the rest of her shopping bags into the kitchen and froze at the sight her eyes caught. "Oh my god, I might go blind after seeing this! ... Riley! What are you doing there? ... You must be crazy!"

Riley blushed when he started to realize how his situation must have looked like to other people. "Oh, ah, Buffy ... It's not what you thiiii ... n ... k ..."

Suddenly Riley fell over, with his head through the window and into the night.

Buffy walked over to see what was going on and found him dead. She turned around to find Angel standing next to her. "The blood has no affect on you?"

"No, it smells too disgusting." Angel turned up his nose.

"He lost blood, but that's not enough to die from lack of, he must have died of embarrassment." Buffy said and turned to Angel. "Let's get rid of him! I don't like to get trouble because of this, or something! ... Angel could you please clean up the mess? I'll carry his body into the chem lab. When the police finds him there, they'll believe that he tried some weird things with drugs to get a high. - Means no problems for me."

Buffy got back about half an hour later to find Angel sitting on the couch in the living room, reading in a book he had found lying on the little table next to him.

"So could you clean up everything?"

"Yes, no problems at all, only the broken window ..." Angel replied.

Suddenly Buffy cut him off. "Don't get gray hair because of that. ... I'll manage!" She sat herself next to Angel. "So, where have we been?"

"Well, I caught you up on campus to talk to you about this thing ... You know, that the clause is gone because the Powers That Be decided to give us another chance for true happiness together, if we are going to decide to stay together forever and to fight evil until the end of days. ... But there is something more that I have to tell you ..."

"Oh no! ... No new loophole, Angel!"

"No Buffy, something very good! ... If you wish, they'll make you immortal, too, so that we can spend eternity together. ... Tell me, Buffy ... Would you like to spend eternity with me?"

Buffy threw herself on him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Forever!" She said happily and kissed Angel passionately.

Angel gave in and soon they were lying on the couch in each others arms.

Angel broke the kiss they shared. "Buffy?!" Angel became really serious. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes, Angel! ... I love you!" Buffy smiled down at him.

Suddenly they heard the door open. "Mom is back, let's get out of here!" Buffy pulled Angel up and they headed for the window to jump out in the last second.

They walked slowly down the street, lost in each other's arms.

Suddenly Angel asked ... "Buffy ... Could you please tell me, who this guy in your kitchen was?"

"Only a fish, Angel. ... Only a fish!"

This is the true story! Joss is a liar!!!

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